The Suffering
by Lily Turwaithiel
Summary: During New Moon, Edward and Bella contemplate their time apart and their newly restored love together. As well as debate about when Bella should be changed. Songfic. Co&Ca. The Suffering. Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing.


**A/N: I despise auhtor notes in the beginning, but they are all so necessary!  
This was written before Eclipse and I just found it like two minutes ago on my computer. I had forgotten I had written it. But, yeah thats why the compromise that Edward and Bella made is not mentioned. This is during the end of _New Moon.  
_The band that wrote this song is Coheed and Cambria and they are Fin amazing. Excuse my language. The song is called The Suffering.**

**Bella is in bold.  
**Edward in normal.  
_Lyrics in italics._

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_Is there a word or right to say  
__Even in this old fashioned way?  
__Go make your move, girl  
__I'm not coming home_

**I remember exactly what he said to me the day he left. Even in the way he talked, his 1900s dialect that he seemed to never have lost over all the years he's lived, it could not make me smile, could not make my heart stutter they way it usually did when he talked to me. I could see it in his beautiful, topaz eyes that he didn't want me anymore and it was the truth. He was telling me to love someone else, like I could ever love again. That he wasn't coming home ever again.**

_Would things have changed if I could've stayed?  
__Would you have loved me either way?  
__Dressed to the blues.  
__Day to day with my collar up._

Even if I stayed she wouldn't have loved me for long. Human minds change all the time. They don't know love the way we, who have walked this earth for too long, know love. We have had too many chances to know what the true meaning is. She wants me to change her, to make her one of the eternal damned, but she would she even love me after that? No, she would hate me once she sees how terrible our life really is.

_Decision sits so make it quick  
__A__ breath inhaled from an air so sick  
__I cursed the day I had learned  
__Of the web you spun...  
__You had your hold till bleeding_

I laid down in the attic of the house I was hiding in for the time being. I've forgotten even what continent I am on, but I don't care anymore. The pain of being away from Bella is too strong to bear and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and pray that it will get better. She's alive at least and that's all the matters now. I inhaled deeply trying to urge the pain away and pulled my knees tighter to my chest. The air tasted wrong. The only reason I could come up with is that I have been smelling Bella for so long that that is the only air I can remember ever breathing. I cursed the day that I met her. She spun her intoxicating web around me and I could do nothing to keep her safe, to leave. But God did I love her.

_Hey, Hey!  
__If it was up to me  
__I would've figured you out  
__Way before the year clocked out  
__Oh, I hope you're waiting_

_Hey, Hey!  
__If it was up to me  
__I would've never walked out  
__So__ until the sun burns out  
__Oh, I hope you're waiting_

If there was no danger for her, I would have stayed. I would never have left if we could be together without any harm coming to my dear, sweet, clumsy, Bella. I should go back to her. If it is this bad for me to be apart from her then I can't, I don't even want to think about what sort of pain she is in. I hope, until she can't see anymore, until the sun burns out that she is waiting for me. I will come back to her. As soon as Victoria and any other threat is gone.

_Would we have lived as a child would care?  
__With this vial to drink I __dare  
__(Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)  
__Only to cry all alone with your taste on tongue  
__(Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving? Bye)_

**I dreamt about Romeo and Juliet that night, this night, the night he came back. In the dream, I found him dead at ****Aro's**** feet and I took out a vial of poison and drunk it in one gulp only to fall into blackness. I know it sounds backwards, doesn't it? My mind does weird things to ****me,**** I don't even know how I rememebered ****Aro's**** name. I've never met him before and I heard Edward -I cringed- say it so long ago. I open my eyes to see my angel stare down at me. I must be dead. This is heaven.**

**He's convinced me that I'm not dead, nor dreaming, but I still don't quite believe him.**** Where has he been? Why is he trying to kill himself over me? He doesn't want me anymore. I have been left all alone with only that one last kiss he gave me to remember. It wasn't even a good one…. It hurts too much for him to be here, especially since he will be leaving soon anyways.**

_Should we try this again with hope? (Bye, bye)  
__Or is it lost, give up the ghost  
__And should I die all alone as I knew I would...  
__**Then burn in hell young sinner**_

**I want to try this again. I want to be together again. But, is it lost? I don't think we could ever have what we had before he left. Just give up the ghost of the old relationship. It won't ever happen again. We had something special and it was lost when he decided to leave. I'm so hurt, so mad. I just want to scream at him to burn in hell. But, he has hasn't he? I smirked to myself at that response, still glad that he can't read my thoughts.**

I want to restart our relationship, but I know it won't be the same. I can read it in her eyes, she knows it too. I'll die all alone as I've always predicted. I know she wants to scream that at me. I've deserved no less.

_Hey, Hey! (Ha ha)  
__If it was up to me  
__I would've figured you out  
__Way before the year clocked out  
__Oh, I hope you're waiting  
__Oh, I hope you're waiting_

_Listen well...  
will you marry me?  
__**Not now, Boy**  
__Are you well in the Suffering?  
__You've been the most gracious of hosts  
__You__ may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in  
__Listen well... will you marry me?  
__**Not now, Boy**  
__Are you well in the Suffering?  
__You've been the most gracious of hosts  
__I may be invited, girl, but I'm not coming in_

She wanted to take a vote with my family. Should we change her? She never thinks these things through! What about her family? Charlie? Renee? It was a consensus, we would change her after a graduation, but I will change that decision. I looked at her in all seriousness, "Will you marry me?" She pretty much rejected me right then and there, but I could see it all written on her face, "At least not now," it said. I could live with that. She's been so gracious to me so far, I would do anything for her. She may be invited to come join our family, but I refuse to allow her to come in and I will win this argument. She's going to live a human life.

**He asked me to marry him! I couldn't be more excited my conscience screamed YES! But, my logical side said "****N****ot now, Boy." I've suffered enough without him and I don't want to suffer growing **_**old**_** with him. I will win my argument. I will live as a vampire and **_**soon.**_

_****__Hey, Hey!  
__If it was up to me (you had your hold)  
__I would've figured you out  
__Way before the year clocked out  
__Oh, I hope you're waiting  
__Hey, Hey!  
__If it was up to me  
(give up the ghost)  
__I would've never walked out  
(Oh where have you been, oh where have you been)  
__So until the sun burns out (Oh where have you been if it hurts to be forgiving?)  
__Oh, I hope you're waiting  
__Listen well... will you marry me?  
__Not now, Boy  
__Are you well in the Suffering?  
__You've been the most gracious of hosts  
__I may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in  
And I'm not coming in._

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**Review please!**


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